Montreal Canadiens Provide Update For Captain Nick Suzuki

The Montreal Canadiens announced that captain Nick Suzuki was diagnosed with an issue they’re yet to encounter this year.

“It’s hard to put your finger on the exact cause, but there’s definitely something weird happening here,” explained local medical expert Jacques Strappe. “We have never seen anything like this, especially this season. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.”

Suzuki, 21, is yet to miss a game for the Canadiens this season, which was the first clue something was amiss.

“Every member of the Canadiens has their own personalized workspace in the infirmary,” explained a source within the team. “They can select their favourite colour schemes and request sandwiches with the crust cut off, as to avoid any sharp edges. And Suzuki? He’s yet to even register with us! Some players have already requested fresh coats of paint in their workspace. Others have demanded gel pads for standing while they work. But Nick’s area? His area goes unused.

“It’s alarming.”

After running a battery of tests, the answer has become clear.

Suzuki has been diagnosed with a rare case of perfect health, which should keep him in the lineup for the next two weeks, at the very least.

“Look, I know it has caught us all by surprise,” said head coach Martin St-Louis, “But that’s life in professional sports. There are simply some things that you can’t control, and health is one of them. We’re just going to have to come together as a team and make the best of the situation.

“We had planned on asking Alex Kovalev to fly over in his fancy plane and fill in as captain,” added St-Louis, “But now we’re simply going to have to roll with the punches. No one expected a player to stay healthy this year, let alone the captain. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s also a learning experience for all of us.”

With just six games left to play, the announcement will surely have a ripple effect throughout the organization, particularly for the 17th and 18th forwards on the depth chart in Laval, seeing as they had already put a deposit down on a condo near the Bell Centre.

All health reports provided on April 1st should be taken with a grain of salt.